Running Blind (SPN; Dean/Benny; PG-13/T; #435/#107: Creatures)

[katleept.livejournal.com]

Title: Running Blind
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Supernatural
Character/Pairing: Dean/Benny
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: slashthedrabble #435: Past Challenges #101 - 125: #107: Creatures and beattheblackdog #1: Crazy
Warning(s): Spoilers
Word Count: Cut to 500 -- Full version of 582 here.
Date Written: 21 February 2017
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Kripke, not the author, and are used without permission.




I think of you every time I see my brother's face. Sometimes, I wake up, hearing a whisper, swearing I heard you call my name in that Cajun accent of yours that always did send shivers up my spine, but it never happens. You're never there, and you won't be. It's always just a dream.

Some nights, out on a hunt, I round a corner, and my breath stops. My heartbeat picks up a faster pace. The hairs on my arms stand to attention, and again, I swear, it's like part of me thinks I'm gonna reach out and touch you. Like you're gonna be around that corner I'm turning. Or you're the one who shoots the monster that's about to get me when I've let my guard slip, but of course, it's never you. It's always Sammy coming to my rescue, yelling at me, fussing at me, wondering what the Hell's wrong with me this time.

But I can't tell him, can I? I couldn't even tell you. I couldn't admit to you what being close to you, feeling your muscles slide against mine, in that Hell meant. You told me you'd never felt more alive, and in a way, I can see that. I can get that, I do. I sometimes miss the constant fighting to survive, but what I miss way more is you and the way you made me feel.

My throat tightens and heartbeat speeds just remembering, just thinking about you, about it, about us. You're right. I felt more alive in that place than I've ever been anywhere else, but it wasn't because of the fighting. I felt more alive there than anywhere else not because of that or because of any of the Hellbeasts that were after us but because of you, man. It was all because of you.

I couldn't see that then. I was dumb and blind like I normally am. All I could think about was getting back to Sammy, saving him. I couldn't even see what I was losing until it was too damn late. I couldn't admit to myself what you'd come to mean to me until I no longer had you. I couldn't even admit the truth -- that my crazy, stupid plan wasn't going to work. I was going to have to lose one of you.

I see that now, too late. It's always too damn late. But it shouldn't be. Hell, a man oughta be able to have both his brother and his lover, but that bitch, Fate, made me choose. I couldn't have both. I made the choice I had to, chose my brother over the Vampire, or so I've been telling myself, but there isn't a night that goes by that I don't miss you. But I had to save my brother, didn't I? Damn, I'm fucked, baby. I'm fucked without you, and there's not a thing in this damn world that's gonna change that. Maybe I'll get lucky and see you in Hell.

The End