As Real (Angel; Lorne/Angel; PG-13/T; #386: Phobia)

[katleept.livejournal.com]

Title: As Real
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Angel
Character/Pairing: Lorne/Angel
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: slashthedrabble #386: Phobia
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 500
Date Written: 7 February, 2016
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Whedon, not the author, and are used without permission.



He's had plenty of experience with fear. He's talked people down from all sorts of fears, although, granted, most of them have centered around stage fright and possible broken hearts. His rear end aches; Lorne knows it's not a physical ache. It goes much deeper, and it's nowhere near as easily assuaged.

He faced his own fears today, and he's lived to tell the tale, sad though it may be. Perhaps he should write a song about it. He hasn't picked up a pen in ages. But it's not a tale he wants to tell. It's not even a tale he wants to remember, but the memories still flash through his head now as the train speeds over the tracks. The buildings and people they're passing become a blur. Lorne wishes his memories would blur, too.

He wishes he could change it all, wishes he could go back to when it first began. He wishes he could see Angelcakes on that stage again, so afraid to live his life, so afraid to dare to love somebody again, and he wishes this time he would turn his back on his philophobia. If he had, maybe he wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe there wouldn't be crimson blood on his green hands.

His horns draw down as he lets out a shaky, sorrowful breath. There isn't actual blood on his hands. The people around him can't see it, and they're actually not freaking out because there's a Demon in their midst. They think he's just another actor in a freaky costume. Little do they know that this is real.

As real as the Demons and dragons surging over Los Angeles. As real as his friends holding their final ground. As real as the pain in the heart in his left butt cheek. As real as his sorrow at leaving them. As real as the life he snuffed out today. As real as Angelcakes breaking his heart again.

Lorne closes his eyes, trying to block out the scenes he can't stop seeing. Still, he sees Angel, the determination that broke his heart today, the hardness of a man who no longer cared what he was doing to his friends, the emotionless mask of the void where once his dearest friend had been.

Lorne hangs his head. He's told others not to be afraid to love. He's been giving advice to the lovelorn, pun not intended, for years. But no one advised him to turn away from Angel. He doesn't think he would have listened if they had. There was just something about the Vampire with a soul that dragged him into his life. He couldn't stop being around him, being there for him, even when it hurt. And like all the others before him -- Cordelia, Doyle, Buffy -- his wings were burned when he got too close. Lorne cries, but he knows, if he had it to do all over again, he'd let Angel break his heart again and again, just to be near him.

The End